I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
