no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
