I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
