Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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