He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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