if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
