i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
