somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
