sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
