if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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