mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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