the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
