Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
