I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
