Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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