Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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