sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
