in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
