:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
