Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
