peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
