so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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