My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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