what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
