So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
