my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
