it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
