I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
