I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
