Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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