Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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