my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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