3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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