Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
