No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
