I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
