I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
did i just pee glitter
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
