my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
