Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
