if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
