Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
is that a dick in a sweater?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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