i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
