We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
