even my farts smell like vagina
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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