god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
