We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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