I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
