My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
