i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
