I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
