It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
