My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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