just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it glows. i had to have it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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